Paranoia: Brought to You by Google

Jenny Fickey weighs in on crib shopping in the post (and pre) Google era.
The differences may surprise you!

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I’ve purchased two cribs, one in 1995 for Bubba and one in 2012 for 
Little Miss.
The following summarizes the two experiences, spaced 
over sixteen years. See
if you notice any differences.

Crib Shopping – Pre-Google

• Drive three minutes to USA Baby.

• Pick out a white spindle crib with a drop-side rail

• Take crib home thirty minutes later.

• Assemble the crib in the nursery.

• Pull on the matching sheet and cover.

• Tie the bumper pads around the bars. Check the crib
..of my to-do list. Put up my feet and relax.
Crib Shopping – Present Day
• Google phrases like: where to buy the best crib; vintage
..cute cribs for girls; crib sales.

• Stumble upon link to AAP’s crib safety tips. Learn crib side
..should be stationary. Realize I may now need a stool
to retrieve 
..a baby from inside a crib.

• Accumulate a list of all the mistakes I made with my son.
Swear the use of moveable side rails, side sleep positioners,
..blankets, crib bumpers, pillows and stuffed animals in a
..Wonder how Bubba ever survived my naiveté. Feel guilty.

• Read 347 crib reviews on Amazon from random strangers. 
Take detailed notes.
• Hyperventilate a little.
• Research mattress firmness.
• Google phrases like: safest cribs 2012; how to find a safe crib; …proper space between crib slats.
• Post panicked crib safety questions in a natural mom Facebook group. Follow links to articles about toxic gas theory and crib death.
• Panic and cry.
• Google phrases like: crib dangers; are cribs toxic; what is in 
a crib mattress; crib mattress toxins.
• Send frantic texts to my sister-in-law.
• Google organic crib mattresses. Try to determine why so many reviews complain of a funky smell.
• Post crib mattress questions in the same Facebook group. 
..Read replies from moms who use mattress covers.
• Google toxin-trapping crib mattress covers.
• Read heartbreaking SIDS stories. Weep hysterically. Worry all night. 
..Worry the next day. And the next week.
• Email frantic sleep positioning questions to my cousin. 
..How do you keep a baby on her back once she can roll over???
• Join Consumer Reports. Study pages of reviews from other random 
strangers. Compare mattress and crib prices online.
• Realize three hours have passed.
• Covet the glorious, fancy, odor-free, $600 organic mattress online. 
..Calculate the shipping. Husband rolls his eyes.
• Learn crib mattress sizes are not standard. Fret over the space between 
..the crib frame and the side of the mattress after learning the distance 
should be less than two fingers width.
• Log in to Facebook. Oh, what’s on my mind? Glad you asked. Good thing there’s no character limit! Post lengthy neurotic status update 
..about crib dangers.
• Drive 45 minutes to Babies “R” Us. Cringe and squint in the fluorescent 
lights. Drag mattresses over to the cribs. Stuff each mattress in a variety 
of cribs. Measure the space with my fingers. Panic when they don’t all fit 
properly. Curse mattress and crib manufacturers. Try not to pass out.
• Choose a crib. Settle for a cheaper mattress that fits properly inside. 
..Add them to my registry. Drive home, exhausted.
• Feel guilty. Delete mattress from registry. Scream. Look up expensive 
mattress again. Compare dimension to crib. Try to convince husband 
..we need it. Put cheaper mattress back on registry.
• Get sidetracked on Etsy. Spend an hour clicking hearts on adorable 
organic pajamas.
• Notice how lame and expensive store-bought mobiles seem to be. 
..Create a board on Pinterest called Moms Make Magical Mobiles. Take 
a moment to appreciate my clever alliteration.
• Get refocused. Buy organic crib sheets on Amazon.
• Google nontoxic baby laundry detergents.
• Drive back to Babies “R” Us. Check the mattress fit in the crib again. 
..Buy crib and mattress.
• Leave mattress outside to off-gas. Husband questions sanity.
• Measure length and girth of crib mattress. Order a crib mattress cover 
..from New Zealand. Track the package online.
• Torment myself over crib bumper debate. Find countless articles warning 
of suffocation danger. Consult my pediatrician and learn she is more concerned about head injuries from wooden bars than bumper suffocation. 
..Cry some more.
• Ask my aunt for advice on my bumper dilemma. Google bumper alternatives. Discover vertical, zippered crib bumpers. Realize they cost more 
than many cribs. Sigh. Buy them anyway.
• Assemble crib. Secure mattress cover on mattress. Pull organic sheets 
taut. Zip up bumpers.
• Take a break from crib preoccupation to give birth to my daughter.
• Worry about loose blankets. Purchase the Fort Knox of baby swaddles, 
..The Miracle Blanket. Wrap baby up like a burrito.
• Obsess over safest ways to co-sleep for a couple months. Try several 
co-sleeper devices.
• Gently place swaddled baby on her back in the empty crib.
• Discover my baby LOATHES this crib. She refuses to fall asleep in it. 
..She startles awake every time she is laid in it and SCREAMS.
• Rock baby back to sleep again. Don’t sleep some more. Repeat this 
cycle for a few months.
• Research crib alternatives. Discover floor beds. Follow Montessori 
bedroom boards on Pinterest. Gather ideas.
• Realize I could have forgone the crib. Entirely!
• Buy a futon. Re-baby proof the nursery. Remove the dresser and 
rocking chair.
• Disassemble crib. Store it in the closet upstairs.
• Worry about the baby sleeping on the futon . . .

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